Some call me multitalented, some call me all-rounder and some call me bee as I wander around tasting each and every flower in between. Praise from every side when I make them the food, requests to paint their walls, their helmets, and even themselves. They see me as a genius who can excel at anything I do. But little do they know that I am a Jack; not a master. I am an apprentice; not a veteran. I am vague; never precise.
I don’t know who I am, what am I made for or what shall I do in the future. I am directionless. Where is my path? There is nothing as such; it’s just a vast ground. There is no decision. I couldn’t even decide what concentration subject I should choose in my MBA. After several weeks, I chose the subject that was also Jack of all; entrepreneurship. But still, I have no clue of my future, whatsoever. I’m on a journey to find myself, but I see no ways ahead.
I fail. I fail a lot. I fail miserably. I try one thing, fail at it, go to the next and fail again. Some failures have been massive and heartbreaking, whereas some have been boon in disguise. But, I still do fail. I stand up with all my fresh wounds and ask myself, “What the heck am I doing?” “Do I need you?”, “Shall I give next one a try?” and the failure continues. Rather than searching for the things I am good at, I seem to be looking for things that I am absolutely worse at and keep on failing. And even in those areas that everyone thinks I excel at, I fail the MOST at it!
People know me as a great cook; which I am not, to tell the truth. I burn things, I experiment and make the most inedible thing the world. I just try to cook better every time but never get satisfied as I never find that ‘WOW’ factor. “It’s okay” is the response in my head most of the times and I seldom reach the ‘Yum…’ point. People tell me to get started in the cooking business, but do I really have that talent? I doubt it.
They know me as a good speaker, but my voice still trembles in front of the people. I mess it real bad at times, shattering those expectations of others.
They know me as a good painter, but nothing that I draw was initially intended. I draw and paint like a 5-year-old!
Self-assessment is a nightmare for me. A week ago, my teacher asked me to write on a sheet of paper, which asked, “What can you provide as an individual or a professional?” The sheet still remains clean. One of the reasons I hate interview is that they ask the question, “Why you?” And I still can’t find the answer for that. There is a saying in Korea which even Psy sang in Gangnam Style, “Ttwineun nom, khu wiie naaneun nom” meaning, there is always a person flying above the running man. And I am not even running, but wandering around trying to find a path. You ask ‘Why me’? ‘I don’t know, recruit other people! There’s actually no reason for you to select me.’
But, there are a couple of things that works awesome, being Jack of all trade. While talking to people, I barely have to search for the common ground because I already have a bigger ground. I can make many friends and get a free gift from the foreign shopkeeper just by conversing in their language. I can try many things, fail at it and be proud of it. Imagine a professional messing those things up like me! Imagine me working as a chef in a restaurant and burning my dish?! I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself then. I can only do that because I am a Jack of all trades.
I am still young and have a lot to explore. I have lots to fail. Maybe I won’t ever find who I am and what I am made for. Maybe I’ll keep on burning that dish. Maybe I’ll keep on ruining that painting. Maybe… But at least I will be happy. Even though I will not be able to face that interview, even though I will get hurt at times when people say I have no goal in my life, even though people will trample me in the things that I try…I will still be happy and a proud Jack of all trades. Because I am not a master…and not even looking forward to be one.